ooh guess what?!

I get* to tell you about one of the "shakeups" - a really good fun one...!

It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship - about 8 years in fact. And I've been okay with that. My life has been full and good. BUT - - over the last year there has been someone that I've wondered about. The wondering increased over the last month or so. And then he finally brought it up. And now we're dating. AGH!!! It's true. We've known each other a long time and have a fair number of friends in common, so we're being careful as we move forward. But we're both happy. And excited. And a little uncertain. It's all very very good.

(* we wanted to make sure that key friends and family knew, and that we were comfortable with it all, before we started talking about it in general)

Bad blogger

It's been two weeks since I posted last - that's a long stretch of silence for me. There's been some big shakeups in my little corner of the world, and it's taken me time to process them. I've still been reading YOUR blogs, just not saying much.

I interviewed with a new couple this week. We seemed to hit it off well. They are going to interview another doula this week sometime, then get back to me in another week or so, after they've decided. **fingers crossed**

I had a fabulous day on the 19th - saw the Dirty Dancing musical, visited my favorite bookstore, ate at my favorite restaurant - all with a good friend (room-mate 1).

I have a stack of lovely books to read: Spiritual Midwifery, The Birth Partner (3rd ed), Wise Woman Herbal.... it's good. :)

And I can't think of much else to say at the moment. Room-mate 2 is cooking supper, and books are calling my name.

I'm not hard core

I interviewed with a new couple this week, but haven't heard back. I think perhaps I'm not what they're looking for. (The rest of this is musing spurred on by NavelGazing Midwife's NBA post, and my interview, but is not directly from the interview...)

I don't believe birth should be natural at all costs. I believe it's important to know what all your options are, so that you can make the best decisions possible for the circumstances you're in. As far as I can tell, saying things like "I won't use medications of any sort in my labour and I will never have a cesarean" (or, conversely, "I'll die without an epidural") is a disaster waiting to happen. Because as much as I trust the process of birth, part of trusting is knowing, and I know that birth is both a powerful and a vulnerable process. It sweeps over you, it encompasses you, it takes control. And yet.... the smallest thing can change its course. An unsupportive loved one, a medical complication, an out-dated policy, an unspoken fear.... Each of these things (and many more) can result in your labour going somewhere you never thought it would... can leave you needing to make decisions about options you'd never considered; options you had ruled out on principle.

I'm not quite sure how to sum up what I DO believe, but birth without room to move and change (including the 'natural at all costs' view) is not it.

I hear women use phrases like: "Suffered through", "was in agony", "traumatic", "never want to feel that way again"..... "But I didn't use drugs!" And when they recount their birth story to me, there is not a single positive statement in it. Not even anything neutral - just hurt, pain, negativity, and fear. That makes me so sad. Because even when they say "But I didn't use drugs!", there is no joy or pride in their voice. It's almost like they got what they thought they wanted (unmedicated vaginal birth), only to find out that what they wanted isn't necessarily what they thought it would be.

How a woman remembers her birth stories impacts who she will be (as a woman, as a mother...) for the rest of her life. One of my goals as a doula is to help those birth memories be positive ones, ones that the mother can use to springboard into growth. I don't mean glossing over difficult parts of the labour, or pretending that bad things didn't happen. I mean being able to find at least something good to hold onto, to help carry her through the dark times.

If a Mom wants a no-meds birth, I will do everything I can to to help her acheive that. If a Mom wants an epidural as early as possible, I will do everything I can to help here with that too. But sometimes circumstances unfold aside from our goals and our plans. Its at those times, that I want Moms to know what their options are, so they can still make the best decisions possible for themselves, and feel okay about it.

I want Moms to walk away from their births having been an active particpant. That is to say, the birth didn`t happen "to" them, but they worked "with" the birth.

I guess the only thing I'm hard core about is Mom's having the information and support they need to make the best decisions possible for them.

If you want me as a doula to tell you "No, you don't really need intervention X", it isn't going to happen. It is not my place to tell you what you need. I'll offer you info about intervention X and even suggest questions you may want to ask your caregivers about intervention X.... but I'm not going to talk you out of it or into it.

So for some parents, I'm just not hard core enough. They are looking for a doula who will fiercely and actively work to prevent anything from happening which is outside their plan. They want a doula to "make" things be the way they envision them. And I just can't guarantee that. I will walk with them every step of the way, no matter where the journey takes them. I will lend them my heart and my hands. I will do all I can to get them the information they need to make choices for themselves. I will work to keep the atmosphere positive and supportive. I will be with them on the journey. And I like to keep all options open, because you just never know.....

Insurance

The lady who hit me.....? Still hasn't given her insurance information to the police or my insurance co. Which means everything is stalled. I could go ahead and get the car repaired - my insurance has said they will pay for it - but at this point I have to pay the deductible and if she doesn`t provide her insurance info (or doesn`t have insurance) then there is the risk that this `no fault` accident will then stay on my insurance record and drive up my insurance cost. If they do reach her, and determine it really isn`t my fault, then my insurance will reimburse the deductible to me. Otherwise I`m stuck paying it. argh....

People who don`t have the ability to walk across a room without falling over should not be driving a car (I am of course not including people who have appropriate assistive devices in their vehicles so that they can drive safely despite physical disabilities). The driver was probably only in her 40`s I`d guess, but walked with a cane and fell over multiple times while walking between her car and home. I caught her and kept her from falling down the stairs twice. Unfortunately she was seated in her car by the time the police arrived so they didn`t see. I DID report this to my insurance co.

the things we say

Over lunch today, a friend and I were discussing whether you could still send/receive a text message when your cell phone was locked into 9-1-1 mode. Which led to how bad the driving conditions were last night. Which led to my friend saying "Don't worry. If I was dead in a ditch I would've texted you." Which made me laugh.

Reality

I feel like I'm finally settling back into (Canadian) reality. First week back I was sick and everything was pretty much a blur. This week was 'normal schedule', minus the snow day in the middle....

Tonight I finally got in touch with my client who gave birth right before I left. I needed time to fully land back in Canada again before trying to wrap myself around birthing issues.

I got a big dose of reality this morning on the way to work when someone drove into my car! "I looked up and down the street when I came out of my house to warm up the car.... there was no one on the street. And my driveway is icy so I gave it extra gas and shot out the driveway." Great, thanks lady. You shot out the driveway and INTO me as I was on my way to work. Neither of us was hurt, and her car has no damage. Mine on the other hand has a very crumpled passenger side. But my insurance company is great and its all being handled. Definately a dose of reality though. I'm feeling a little stiff tonight but nothing too bad. I think a hot shower before bed would feel great.

A Baby Story isn't always a Cesarean Story

I can hardly believe that I just watched an episode of A Baby Story where Mom held out on induction so she could have a successful VBAC with a CNM and DONA doula, at 42 weeks 3 days. I know cesareans are a lot more common on that show, but this episode was a glorious exception!

Of course, the episode on now is leading towards a cesarean and all of Mom's support people left her by herself because they were hungry. They were hungry....!