I think it's finally done.

I am back from doing my presentation. I have just eaten high-cal, low nutrition fast-food to celebrate (and because I never did get around to eating supper).

The presentation went pretty well, and I am reasonably sure that I will pass. I MIGHT even do better than a pass, but I'm not holding my breath.

There were two other profs there to evaluate and ask questions, in addition to the course prof. One of them even came up to me at the end of the night to say 'job well done... very impressive... etc'. I can only hope that my prof who does the grading feels so complimentary.

But either way - I think my 10 year quest to complete my undergrad might finally be wrapped up. Now I just have to pay the $135 fee by the end of the month, which they require before I officially graduate. (i.e. they send me my piece of fancy paper in the mail either in November, or in May).

And with that, I think it's time to crawl into bed and read Harry Potter. I started book 7 but was confused, so decided to go back to book 6 first and refresh my memory.

Today is the day...

...and I'm a wee bit nervous. I do the presentation for my project tonight - you know - the project where I've had lottsa grief.... I've been told that the class starts at 6:30pm, and that presentations should be about 15 minutes long. Last year when I attended this event to get an idea of what I was aiming for, the prof didn't arrive until 8pm (we'd arrived at 6:30pm), then the presentations were closer to 45 minutes each and alternated between deathly dull (reading their essay aloud) and ear-splitting (hell-fire sermon-style of delivery complete with throwing their visual aids). I'm hoping this year will be better.

However, I have trimmed and skimmed and summarized but can't get my spiel under 20 minutes (without talking like an auctioneer). I could take out more, but then it doesn't make sense because people will miss some of the connecting dots.

The prof suggests that "visual aids or handouts would be beneficial". I really wasn't into doing a powerpoint - it just seems so cliche for one thing, and you also have to deal with getting your computer to 'talk to' the schools system etc etc. I didn't want the hassle. The prof also suggested that bristolboard posters could be good - um, am I back in elementary school? So I have photocopies of my abstract, of my interview questions, and of my numerical results to hand out. I am considering passing out a big box of crayons so that if people get bored they can colour while I talk.

Part of me really doesn't care how it goes at this point, as long as I pass. I don't expect to be able to impress the prof. I am resigned to the idea that she will probably be unhappy. But as long as I pass, so that I can graduate, that's okay. (the Navelgazing midwife would likely tell me I'm creating my own destiny here!)

BUT the perfectionist oldest daughter in me still wants to make a good impression and blow everyone away and cause the prof to think I'm amazing and be sorry they ever gave me so much hassle.

I'll update you tommorrow.

September

Back in June I agreed to set up the categories in a database for a survey I was involved with (so that the data could be compiled and analyzed by someone else). Without being consulted, this quickly evolved into - Sarah will collect the completed surveys, design a database for the data to go in, enter all the data, analyze it, and prepare a report of the findings to go back to the committee. When I found out what my responsibilities had mushroomed into, I told the Chairperson that I would not even begin to look at the project until "Fall", because I had to get my schoolwork completed. Despite this, someone has asked me how far along I've gotten and what I have to report, at least every two weeks since. Just now the Chairperson stopped by my workplace to ask if I had completed this project for the committee yet. Uh - NO! How many times do I have to say it?

But "Fall" is around the corner, and my workload is not going to decrease by any stretch. I do my presentation for my school project on Thursday (Aug 30). I will try to fit in one postpartum meeting and one prenatal meeting with clients, while I am already in the city. My brother arrives to visit from September 3rd to September ?. Sept 5th is a committee meeting. September 10 is my parents 30th anniversary. September 12 is an event at church. Sept 15 is our first training day for the team going to Africa in February. September 18 is a new small group for young moms (which will run weekly). September 22 is a volunteer training day. September 23 MAY be a Therapeutic Touch Level 3 course (that I really really want to do but...). September 27 I have a client due. September 29 is a fundraising event. October 1 is a LLL Conference (that I want to attend, but doubt I can squeeze it in). Oct 20 is an Africa training day. Oct 29 is a fundraising event. Oct 30 I have a teen client due in a nearby city. In the midst of these extra events, I am also supposed to be contacting 40 churches in the County to further some other research, and then compile the results to have available for the public by October. And I'm supposed to be 'really focusing' on building my doula business.

I think I need a drink just making the list. I see some long days and late nights in my future.

In response...

There is a book making waves in the birth community right now, called "Pushed" by Jennifer Block. I haven't read it yet, but I have seen it come up on a number of blogs and discussion boards. A portion of the book questions the role of doula's and whether we are helping or ultimately harming women, through our support. Most recently, a midwife named Pamela wrote about it here.

So now, my thoughts on it all (reposted from the comments section at SageFemme.)

As a doula (although I've only been one for a couple years, and I've only attended hospital births), I make it very clear to clients that I do NOT speak for them. I am not their protector. I am not a guarantee of anything. This is clear in my paperwork, and in all my initial conversations. Some people understand this. Others say "never mind then" and move on. I wish I could support these people too, because they are obviously searching for something.... but to enter into a relationship with false expectations is not healthy for them or for me and so I don't do it.

I don't generally quote (to potential clients) the doula stats about cesareans or epidurals etc, because my personal stats don't coincide. The statistical information is available on my website if people want it. I occasionally say "some studies have shown, that some women, when they have a trained doula whom they trust, may experience fewer interventions/better satisfaction with their experience...."

I believe that even though there are absolutely pros and cons for various policies and procedures (and I provide this info if they want it), in the end, the right decision for Mom is the decision she is most comfortable with. Fear has such an influence on a woman's ability to birth, that I do whatever I can to help ease the fears, and that includes supporting her decisions unconditionally, regardless of how I personally feel about them. I don't mean to say that I gloss over risks, side-effects, things that are hard, etc. But I encourage Mom's to explore, to ask, to build trust.

In prenatal meetings I ask a wide range of questions, and provide clients with info based on what they tell me/ask me. I am mostly trying to get a sense of 'who they are'... what makes them tick.... what do they love.... what do they fear.....? If I learn a client is really afraid of being alone, then I will stay within arms reach and directly in her eyeline, unless she asks/shows she wants otherwise during labour. If English is not her first language I will offer to learn key words of her language to use during the birth. If I learn a client is overwhelmed by touch and talk then I sit off to the side and wait quietly for her cues. I try to create an 'atmosphere' in the room, so that everyone who comes in knows the space is sacred. What this looks like varies from client to client (and I've yet to use any form of sign), but I know it's worked when the Mom and her partner are relaxed, and the medical staff pause and take a deep relaxing breath when they walk through the door. Sometimes a small smile will even creep across their face or they'll comment on it. But most of what I do at a birth isn't something I can plan in advance. I watch, I listen, I am available. I respond according to what I'm observing, and according to what my intuition is nudging.

The closest I come to advocacy, is if a client has made it really clear they do/don't want something to happen during labour/birth/pp, and they haven't mentioned it to their caregiver after getting to the hospital, then I will ask them about it privately first (J, we talked before about procedure X. Do you want to mention that to dr/nurse?) If they say yes, but get caught up in the buysness that always occurs when the dr/nurse comes in, then I will ask them in front of the dr/nurse (J, did you want to mention X to dr/nurse? or J, do you have anything you want to mention while dr/nurse is here?). That way the caregiver knows something is on the radar, but it's still up to Mom/Partner to say what they want to (or don't want to!)

For me to presume I can speak for a woman in labour is just, well, presumptuous. I understand that some doulas/midwives/nurses feel they know Mom well enough to do this, but I don't.

As for how I navigate the hospital policies and procedures..... I view every nurse and doctor as an ally (until they prove otherwise, and even then I still treat them with the utmost respect because the last thing I want is for my presence to make things worse). I view myself as a guest who is there to serve the Mom first, her partner(s) second, and the medical caregivers third. It is a constant dance between the Mother, partner(s), caregivers, and myself, and I do whatever I can to keep the dance flowing well so that Mom can birth well (her definition of 'well'). Does that make sense? My 'formula' if you will, is simply to follow Mom's lead and keep the birth climate as positive as possible.

I have heard that the book Pushed says doula's are basically a bandaid (my paraphrase); that we (doula's) are cushioning women when in reality we should be allowing the heartache to happen so that there is more motivation to change the system. *Sigh*.... I understand that logic. And YET, I cannot abandon women to the system. Not when the stakes are this high.

There ARE times when the right thing to do is fight for justice in our un-just world. There are also times when we are called to love and support unconditionally those persons touched by injustice and heartache.

I think the line between 'condoning birth abuses', and 'bearing witness to birth abuses', is a very fine one. I don't feel that I am condoning the abuses that occur, because I acknowledge them as abuses. When a Mom cries because the vaginal exam was rough and hurt so badly, I don't say "there there. it's normal. it's okay." (condoning) I say "I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know it hurt. I know you didn't want it to be this way. Right now your options are...... what do you need?" (acknowledging and supporting). It's not easy to do this. I often come home from a birth and cry out of anger and frustration and sadness. But it is what I'm called to so I'll keep at it.

But when the heartache is too much, or the fighting is too hard, then it's time to step aside for a while. It's not giving up. It is recognizing our limitations.

8 Secrets....

Rules:

People who are tagged need to write in their own blog these rules & the eight things. At the end of the your blog post, tag six people and list their (blog) names. Leave a comment on their blog telling them they've been tagged and encourage them to read your blog.

I have been tagged by both B & by K, (how fun!). Which I suppose means I should reveal 16 secrets, but....

Secret #1, is that I'm not really much of a secret-keeper. There are a handful of secrets in my life which will firmly remain that way (because really, there are SOME things which people just don't need to know!) And if you TELL me that something needs to remain confidential (or common sense/ethics/law requires confidentiality) then I will respect that. But if for example we're having a conversation on the street and you tell me that you're going on a date that night, then later on in the day I meet a mutual friend who asks how you are and what you're up to, I am very likely to say you have a date that night. With that as a backdrop, I'm only spilling 7 more 'secrets'.

#2 When I'm at a birth, I am very rarely in any photos taken. I generally just stay quiet and out of the way, or am the one behind the camera. If a parent specifically asks me to be in a picture then I will. If they realize days/weeks later that I'm not in their pics and they ask me about it, I say something along the lines of "it wasn't about me....". But really, it's that I know my hair is probably frizzy and I have no makeup on and I look like death because I haven't slept in 24+ hours so I don't WANT those horrible pictures of me taken. This isn't me exaggerating either - more than one Mom has commented to me at the end of a long birth "You look worse than I do - go home and get some sleep!".

#3 Even though I like playing with other people's pets, and have no problem with the concept of pets, and even understand how valuable pets can be to your mental health... I just can't be bothered with the expense and effort of having any pets myself.

#4 I'm not very good at finishing things. Like books for instance. I have about 10 books on the go right now, and some have been in process for months.

#5 I have, at some point in the last few years, had a crush. I'm not saying who so don't bother asking.

#6 While I understand that abortion and adoption are both choices which women make every day, I can't wrap my mind and soul around letting go of a tiny little being who is part of me. I am not in ANY WAY judging those women who make these choices, and recognize that circumstances of some form or another might result in me having to make exactly those choices at some point in my future. But from where I stand today, I just can't envision that heart-wrenching process of letting go...

#7 Even though I'm generally fine with how I look, I still weigh myself at least twice a day, and sometimes more.







#8 Potential TMI alert.....








I use cloth tp and a squirt bottle for 'personal cleansing'. It is cheaper, better for the environment, and way more comfortable. Even the softest and most luxurious toilet paper feels rough compared to the luxury of cloth. And toilet paper always leaves those little tiny bits of balled up tp behind in places where it shouldn't be. I am debating whether I will make do with toilet paper when I travel to Ghana in February, or I will continue with my water & cloth routine. I know your North American cleanliness sensibilities are probably squirming as you read this, and you can't imagine shaking hands with me ever again, but it really is primarily a cultural difference and not something we need to be squicked out about.


So there you have it, 8 of my 'secrets'. I, in turn, am tagging:

Parsley

Suzanne

Janice (when she has time!!)

coolerdoula

Kris

Carol

Brrr

It's COLD out. I have socks on. And a sweater. And I'm still shivering. I think it's time to crawl back into bed with a book. And perhaps a mug of something hot to drink. It has been a busy few weeks, so I took today off work to try and re-coup a little.

There was the birth at the beginning of August. I still haven't made it back into the city to connect with my client, but we have been in touch over e-mail, and phone, and various other electronic avenues. She's had a lot of changes in her life - in addition to the new baby - I am a bit concerned that she's at risk for a bad case of the baby blues... I'll keep in touch though and support her however I can.

Then there was my research project to finish up - phone calls and emails and letter writing - - then turning all that data into a written report (final product is 40 pages!). It is turned in now.... but the prof is on vacation till August 27th so I won't hear anything for a while. Then I have to do a presentation to the in-coming class. THEN - if all the stars align correctly and God has mercy on my school-weary soul - I will be able to graduate. Not that I'll be attending graduation ceremonies, but I will gladly hang up my diploma when it arrives in the mail.

Then this weekend my parents had a big event out at their alpaca farm - about 1000 people came through on Saturday and Sunday. The big excitement of the weekend was when a woman came racing across the lawn saying there was an emergency and she needed a phone right away. I had my cell phone in one pocket and medical gloves in the other so ran to meet her and find out what was going on. She and her family had been listening to the radio as they were driving, and heard about an incident where a man had been killed. Police were on the lookout for a suspect, and gave a vehicle description. On their way to my parents farm, this family saw the suspect vehicle! Not knowing the area though, they just drove as fast as they could to my parents house so they could phone it in. Their tip resulted in the suspect being arrested! Other than that brief interlude, I spent my time doing information-spiels about alpacas, their fibre, their characteristics, and so on. This doesn't happen often but.... after 1000 visitors....I'm tired of talking....

So for most of today I have laid in bed reading "It must've been something I ate" by Jeffrey Steingarten. I just finished the chapter on Thai food. The closest I can get to Thai at the moment is a can of clover leaf tuna - "spicy Thai chili" flavour. I think I'll go buy some at the grocery store and serve it over glass noodles for lunch.

Make it stop...!

Aliens are boring a hole in my brain! There is a high-pitched squealing electronic-type noise coming from the office of one of my co-workers. (I'm the only one at the office right now). I have turned off and unplugged every single thing I can find in there (including the main building breakers at the control panel). It won't stop. My head hurts. I can reach no other conclusion.... aliens are invading my head (I think they'll be disappointed when they finally get in!)

huh?

Someone asked me today (and I quote): "Sarah, what's the postal code for Google?"
My response: "Ummm, what?"
Them: "You know, the postal code, on Google."
Me: "I'm sorry. I'm not sure what you're asking me"
Them: "*Sigh* You know. If I want to find a postal code. How do I find it on Google?"
Me: "Oh... You would get that from Canada Post."
Them: "I typed in Canada Post but nothing came up."
Me: "Just go to the Canada Post website"
Them: .....long silent pause
Me: The web address is canadapost.ca
Them: And if I go there, I can find a postal code?
Me: Yes.

... For a minute there I thought the person was trying to mail a letter to Google and thought that I somehow knew what their mailing address was!

Word to the Wise

If you ever spill the liquidy stuff from yogurt or fresh cheese (like in a Mini-Go) on your jeans at work, do not try to clean it up with a Tide-To-Go pen, followed by a damp washcloth. The spot will disappear, but the nasty smell of baby vomit will take it's place! Ew.

Fortunately we have a clothing cupboard at work, filled with donations from various people and organizations. I was able to find a pair of pants to wear which do not smell. I'm sure the other people in the office appreciate that as as much as I do.

Hollywood gets a doula?

Okay, so that's a bit of a stretch, but Vince Vaughn is proposing "Male Doula" as a movie idea. Apparently he even has some experience in the labour room and has seen a doula in action. Obviously it will be a comedy/spoof type movie.... but it's still press right?

All tired out

Grace Emily was ready for a nap after a long day of being a flower girl....

I'm a nut

I started some Christmas shopping today. Nothing major. But when browsing I found some things that were ideal for a couple of people I give gifts to, so I thought "Why not?" Don't hate me because I'm obsessive..... :P

If this blog were a movie

I'd be rated:

Mingle² - Tampa Singles

A mystery

You know how people say that their washing machine eats socks? They put in three pairs, but can only find 1 pair and 2 odds when the load is done? I think I have a similiar problem with the cutlery drawer. My dad owned a jewellry store once upon a time, and when I moved out on my own, rather than buy brand new cutlery, I just adopted his old sample sets. I started out with 8 different pattern sets (knife, fork, spoon each), and now I only have 3 complete sets left, plus the odds. I hadn't really noticed until today, when I tried to set the table for 4 people. I checked the back of the drawer. I checked the cupboard below. I wandered around looking for cutlery which may have been lying around. I think gremlins stole them. I want them back!

Relief

....ahhhhh.... my income tax refund has finally arrived. I can pay bills. I can buy groceries. I can have a little bit of fun.
Phew.

Lovely birth

I went into the city on Tuesday afternoon to meet a potential client.... and didn't come home until last night, after her baby was born!

She had an oxytocin induction (with all the accompanying IVs, monitoring, etc) which Mama made it through 100% au naturel!! I was so proud of her. She breathed, she swayed, she vocalized, she prayed to Allah - - she birthed a beautiful healthy boy into the world.